"Nice to meet you, I'm the President of the local chapter of F-FAC: Feminists For Any Choice. We're the new breed of feminists, we aren't like those old prudish Mother Hen feminists, screaming like banshees about pornography and violence against women and such. They're such a drag. Girls just wanna have FUN! We recognize the obvious -- that men are men and women are women, and never the twain shall meet.
"The beaming Betty Crockers, hangdog dowdies, and parochial feminist prudes want men to be like women, but not us. Masculinity is risky and elusive. We cannot regulate male sexuality, and who'd want to? The uncontrollable aspect of men is part of what makes sex interesting, part of what gives sex its sizzle, wouldn't you agree?
"Yes, it can lead to rape in some situations. But that's a gender risk that we women will just have to take. Rape's one of the risk factors in getting involved with men. It's a risk factor, like driving a car, or gambling. If you go to Atlantic City and lose, don't come running to Mommy and Daddy...dust yourself off, get back in there! If you get raped, if you get beat up in a dark alley in a street, it's OK, that was part of the risk of freedom. That's part of being a liberated women!
"We cannot regulate male sexuality because we don't want to lose that sizzle, that unpredictable, uncontrollable part of these sweet men. Like Naomi Wolf said -- now there's a feminist pin-up girl if ever I saw one, what a gorgeous mane of hair -- 'The male body is home to us, our rocket, our whirlpool.' What the dowdy feminists are asking is for men to be castrated, to make eunuchs out of them. Then we'd just be stuck with each other, making ourselves up and primping ourselves for other women! How dull!
"The sexes are at war with each other. And it's a glorious war...that's part of the excitement and sizzle of sex! Like battered women, for instance. Everyone knows, throughout the world, that many of these working class women who get beat up by their husbands have hot sex. Feminists ask, 'why she won't leave him?' Well Auntie Camille Paglia has the answer: maybe she won't leave him because the sex is very hot! Did you ever think of that? Duh! How come we can't imagine that a lot of wives like the kind of sex they are getting in these battered wife relationships? WE can't consider that women have kinky tastes, can we? Noooo-o, because women are naturally benevolent and nurturing, aren't we? Phooey! Everything is so damn Mary Poppins and sanitized these days!
"Well that's not for us. We're muscular feminists, pull-yourself-up-by-your-pushup WonderBra feminists. We're NRA feminists, I dislike anything that treats women as if we are special or frail little creatures. We're liberated, damn it; we can stand on our own two spike-heeled feet!
"Women should have the freedom to risk rape, to risk adventure, to have sex with men, without being looked down upon. In this age of sexual liberation women are going to get raped and assaulted, we might as well face it, and it's a woman's personal responsibility to keep herself physically fit so that she can fight off a man's advance.
"What we woman have to recognize is our sexual power, our sexual dominance. Women aren't the oppressed -- we're running the show! Our sexual powers are enormous, all cultures have seen it and men know it. The only people who don't know it are the radical feminists. Or rather, the dowdy feminists, the Old Guard. Desensualized, desexualized, neurotic women. And ugly besides! I was a radical feminist once myself, when I was twenty and pimply, but as I got older I began to see that the perverse, neurotic psychodrama projected by these women is coming from their own problems with sex. They're all so damn ugly, and jealous about it to boot! Once I accepted myself, and tried a little facial make-up, a plunging neck line and a push-up WonderBra, I had more dates than I knew what to do with. So now here we are, superwomen, Feminists For Any Choice, F-FAC. We're here to say to all women: QUIT making yourself into a VICTIM -- yes, you CAN have it all!
"Women have a right to be prostitutes if we want. It's the oldest profession, and it should be unionized like any other occupation. Amsterdam has got it down, all regulated by the government, so the women are clean and safe and they look so luscious, sitting in their delightful store-front windows like sex mannequins, advertising their wares. Same with the right to pose for porn, and produce our own sexy X-rated home flicks. It's really exciting, some of the women's porn that is being made today. Women in all sorts of positions, tied up, tied down, enjoying ourselves in all sorts of previously unheard of ways. Oo la la. For some women, bondage is liberation, it turns out! Freedom is slavery, war is peace, you know how it goes. How marvelous! Not that I'd ever do any of that mind you, it's a little bit out there for me, a little too risquÈ, a little bit on the cutting edge. But who knows? I'm a woman just coming into my own, who knows what the future holds, right?
"If a woman wants to do it, she should be able to do it. After all, that's what feminism and the women's movement was about, right? More choice for women? It's about women's self-determination. Feminists For Any Choice support any choice of any women, any time, anywhere. Imelda Marcos and Margaret Thatcher are two of our heroines. Now those are two tough women who aren't playing the victim to any man, ya dig?
"That's why we're called Feminists For Any Choice. F-FAC. We're the future, the third wave of feminism. The future of women. Get ready, 'cause ready or not, here we come. We've come a long way -- BABY!"
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